Hello. I'm sure that many of you have missed reading my column in EUG over the last few months. The fact of the matter is that Will Watts, in his infinite wisdom, has been making life rather difficult for me. I have in fact submitted over 58 articles in the last 12 months, but he has seen fit to ignore every single one. When I asked him why this was, he told me that my work was not 'up to standard' and that the subject matter was of no interest to anyone, save perhaps for a retarded bucket. The nerve of the man.

I have never been one to take any kind of insult lying down, and as you can see, I have managed to intercept the master disc for this issue and add this article. The subject I would like to discuss on this occasion is portable computers.

It seems that 'portability' is the major buzz-word in computer circles these days, and the Electron, being very much a desk-bound computer, is now being discounted as a cumbersome relic of the past. However, after extensive research, I have come up with solutions to this problem which will make the Elk as easily transported as any other on the market today - and more comfy to use too.

The first thing you will need in your pursuit of portability is a discarded supermarket trolly. These can usually be found in most areas of outstanding natural beauty. Your local authority should be able to supply a list of such sites on request. Having obtained your trolley, the next stage is to remove the the top basket section with a hacksaw.

Next, you need to acquire a medium size coffee table and also something to sit on. The coffee table could probably be bought from a second hand dealer for a few pounds, and a visit to your nearest breakers yard will furnish you with a seat from a Mk.1 Ford Cortina. Now we come to the assembly of your mobile unit. Don't bother with fancy fixing devices like screws and brackets, I have found that string is great for the table and car seat to the trolley base. This also gives the assembly a quaint rustic appearance that will look very smart whether in Town or Country.

Now all you need to do is secure your computer and its peripherals to the table-top with a thin coating of Super Glue. At this point you may well be thinking that I have overlooked the matter of a power supply for the computer.....not so. These days long lengths of mains flex are readily available from most electical hardware stores for just a few pounds. Buy as much as you think you'll need, say 1000 metres, then connect a mains plug to one end and a 3 pin input socket to the other.

Now it is just a matter of feeding the mains lead out the window of your home and connecting it to the computer. Time for your Mobile Unit's debut in the outside world. I suggest you pack a few sandwiches and a flask of tea. Once you have positioned your unit on a slight incline, install yourself in the seat and away you go. Complete comfort at the cost of a slight operational range restriction - but I think you'll agree the Pro's outweigh the Con's. As you glide effortlessly past all those smug portable and Notebook owners, you will see them positively boil with envy at the sight of your good self, flask in hand, computing in the lap of complete luxury.

Bernard Nerdfergler, EUG #12